How religion works

Jesus: You are sick!!
Me: I feel fine
Jesus: No! You are most definitely sick and in desperate need of medical attention.
Me: But I feel ok, I don't have any simptoms and I've been doing my checkups once every six months as I should. I shower every day, I take vitamins and I exercise one hour a day. I'm ok Jesus, really, I feel fine.
Jesus: No son, you don't understand. You're sick because I'm God and I said you're sick.  I created the universe and everything in it and I don't lie. When I say you're sick it's because you're sick!
Me: Can you prove that I'm sick?
Jesus: How dare you asking questions! You're sick and that's it!! You need medicine right now!
Me: Now that you mention it, sometimes when I get up in the morning, one of my arms is numb. But only the one I was sleeping on top of, the other is fine.
Jesus: See, I told you you were sick. Now you need to do this rite to get well...
Me: Whoa!! Wait a second... You said I need medical attention.
Jesus: No I didn't! I never lie! Don't you ever ask questions or say that I contradict myself ever again!!
Me: Ok, sorry Jesus.
Jesus: Ok, so here's the rite: You will go and tell everybody about what I just told you now and tell everyone that they're all sick.
Me: (thinking: But I'm not sick, he's telling me I'm sick, he just contradicted himself once and I don't see anybody around me who is sick!)
Jesus: Then you will ask for money from everybody...
Me: Whoa!! What makes you think they'll give me money?
Jesus: Trust me, once you tell them they're all sick and that you have the cure to their illness, they'll give you money.  I've done this many times before.
Me: Ok
Jesus: Then you're going to build tall buildings and hire a bunch of prophets...
Me: Prophets!!?? Where am I going to get prophets from?
Jesus: Shut up and listen (translated: Have faith).  These prophets will place their hands on the sick people, because everybody is sick, and the sick people will heal by just believing that I did it!!
Me: One question: What is the name of that sickness people are sick from?
Jesus: It's called sin. It means a transgression of the law I have placed upon you.
Me: Law??!! You keep coming up with the craziest shit man!!
Jesus: HOW DARE YOU!! Shut up before I smite you right where you stand! That kind of language is unacceptable!! You must always agree to everything I say because I am your God.
Me: (Thinking: This guy is insane and violent!)
Jesus: Anyway, going back to my plan...
Me: (Thinking: Plan? Making people think they're sick when they're not, getting their money to build tall buildings and pay prophets to heal a make-believe illness and call this a plan?... This guy is really deluded!!)
Jesus: ... Once you have these buildings built and the prophets hired, you'll call them churches.  And you will place ads using the money the people gave you to attract more people to come in and hear what you have to say...
Me: I got another question: I thought these people were sick and they needed medicine...
Jesus: I'm getting to that, hold on (again, have faith).  Then once you tell all these people to practice the following rite: They will all bow down their heads believing in me and nothing else, then they will think inside their heads and they will speak outloud the following prayer: "Dear heavenly father, please forgive me of my illness and please cleanse me from it. In the name of Jesus, Amen."
Me: So... What happens if I get thousands of people in these buildings and they all give me money? Don't you think I could become corrupted and use that money for whatever I want instead of building more buildings and placing more and more ads?
Jesus: Nah! You'll be so scared of me that you won't dare doing that.
Me: Won't you smite me if I do that?
Jesus: Don't worry about it ok? (... Yes, I know, have faith)
Me: And that's it? Is that going to heal all of us from sin?
Jesus: Yes!! That's it!! You're getting it.
Me: What happens if people doesn't join my church and they don't believe in you?
Jesus: Then they will certainly die the death of the soul.
Me: Soul? That's a new one... What is the soul?
Jesus: It's when they don't believe there is a soul and they die, they die and go to a place of eternal torture...
Me: Isn't that a little harsh? I mean, these people are sick, they need help and to be free from sin, which I have convinced everyone of, no work or participation on your part; even though they're in good health, they have to believe me when I talk about you to follow the laws you have placed arbitrarily and without anyone's conscent or general agreement but yours; plus after doing all this work many will not believe and you will torture them forever? Besides not helping them by providing participation in the making of fair laws, you will cast them off even after the trauma of dying the three-dimensional life?
Jesus: How dare you talk to me like that!! That's how it is because I said so... Period!!
Me: What do I do if they ask for proof or your existence?
Jesus: Just tell them ...
Me: I know, I know, have faith... I'm out...
Jesus: You can't go, I haven't given you permission to go, you'll be breaking my laws and you'll be tortured forever!!
Me: ...That's according to you, according to me, I'll be happy and healthy because so far, you haven't provided a shred of evidence that I'm sick or that anybody's sick. You've been only talking about death, torture, money and buildings!! I don't buy it...